I’ve been thinking about something lately—something I’ve felt but haven’t always known how to name.
It’s this:
Sometimes, the way you know someone respects you is when they come hard at you.
Not in a cruel way.
Not in a power play.
But in that sharp-edged, test-your-thinking, defend-your-ground kind of way.
They come at you because they think you can handle it.
Because your ideas matter enough to push against.
Because they see you not as fragile—but as a peer.
It’s not the best way to approach people.
It’s definitely not the gentlest.
But sometimes—it’s real.
A Hard Respect
I’ve had people challenge me with more heat than I was expecting:
- “Why did you do it that way?”
- “Are you sure that’s the risk we should be prioritizing?”
- “That feels like a half answer—what are you really saying?”
And in the moment, it stings.
I get defensive.
My brain scrambles to explain.
My heart wonders if I’ve lost their trust.
But later—sometimes hours, sometimes weeks—I realize:
They only challenged me that hard because they thought I had something worth challenging.
They saw me as someone who could take it, wrestle with it, and sharpen back.
And that kind of respect, while messy, is still respect.
It’s Not Always Healthy
Let’s be clear—this doesn’t mean aggression is leadership.
Or that we should go around testing people’s worth by throwing elbows in meetings.
Respect can also look like listening.
Like collaboration.
Like invitation instead of interrogation.
But in some circles—especially in tech, especially in leadership, especially in fast-moving teams—respect sometimes shows up through pressure:
- Prove it.
- Justify it.
- Show your reasoning.
And if no one ever challenges you?
That might feel polite—but it can also be a sign that people aren’t listening closely enough to your work.
What I’m Learning to Do With It
When someone comes at me hard, I try (emphasis on try) to:
- Pause instead of reacting Sometimes the heat in their tone isn’t about me—it’s about the stakes. Or their stress. Or their own discomfort with uncertainty.
- Hear the question behind the tone Is there a good challenge buried inside the delivery? Can I respond to the substance, not just the sting?
- Push back without burning bridges Respect goes both ways. I can hold my ground without having to mirror the intensity.
- Ask myself: would I rather be ignored or engaged? I’d rather someone argue with me than pretend I have nothing worth saying.
A Better Way Forward?
Of course, the goal isn’t to normalize hard-edged conversations as the only way to show respect.
But it’s worth recognizing the pattern.
And maybe it’s worth naming in ourselves, too:
- If I push someone, is it because I believe in them?
- Can I challenge without triggering?
- Can I honor people not just by being kind—but by being engaged?
Because sometimes, the hardest questions come from the people who are actually paying attention.
And that’s a kind of respect I’m still learning to receive.
—
Beau Brown
Testing in the real world: messy, human, worth it.
Testing Tester 
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